I came out to my business partner first. It was a slow moving train and she seemed to know the destination even though I didn't. Maybe a year later I told my husband. Three weeks later was my mom, and by extension her partner. The cascade of confessions tore through my siblings, close friends, and random people. Every person I have told has been totally and unquestioningly supportive, and for that I am thankful in ways I cannot describe.
The need to tell people once I told one is intense. I still haven't told my day job and so I haven't fully outed myself on social media. I really want to get it over with but my plan at the moment is to tell my job right before my top surgery. Because that's gonna be a topic of discussion anyway. I guess if a co-worker stumbles across this site, then I will be spared a blind-siding of the office.
In addition to the desire to have everyone know and understand my identity, I have also been plagued with intense anxiety. W.O.W. Now, I have had anxiety all my life and cope with it well. This is a horse of a different color. It feels like a tide of electric excitement washing over my chest throughout the day, but not in a fun way. Worse than that, however, is a chronic shortness of breath. I cannot get air. Or rather, I can get air, but it feels like I can't and I start hyperventilating, which make me dizzy. I open my mouth as wide as possible, bearing my teeth, arms akimbo, chest arched, in an effort to take in a satisfying yawn of air. But all I get is a dull plateau. I have to stop walking, talking and driving at times in order to breath. This is an anxiety I have never felt before. To be safe, I got a fair amount of testing done to rule out a real physiologic cause and I am in perfect health. I just can't breath.
What is the source of this? I can think of several culprits, but these are probably the most significant:
- Impostor Syndrome - While sad that so many experience this, I was pleased to see that this problem is rampant in the transgender community and so I am not unique. I mean, what if I am just making it all up? I know I am not, I know my identity is valid. My brain is there, but I have to figure out a way to feel valid and accept myself. That has deep roots in social conditioning and general life as an introvert with depression/anxiety issues.
- Being trans is hard and scary. Trans people are discriminated against in many ways, from serving in the military to housing. They are murdered, abused, shunned and largely unappreciated (except as entertainment, maybe). That is quite a lot to step into, own, and fight against. Many have been fighting for years, for their whole lives, with their whole lives - transwomen of color especially. I am just arriving on the scene and feeling overwhelmed with establishing my role is this place.?
- Will my husband still want me as I transition and change? He has been amazing, loving, and supportive. But neither of us knows how our relationship will ultimately be effected and how our family will change. I love him. I love our family and life. I fear the unknown, the unplannable, the feeling of entropy.
- Being a source of ridicule is a deep fear of mine. I don't want to be a joke.
Thinking about these things, talking about them, writing about them...this is how I heal. What about you? How have you coped with your own fears? Can you relate to mine?
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